I've been really contemplating lately what I want my life to look like and what exactly I want to see, do, accomplish, etc. Knowing that this is something that every single person must face, and sometimes many times over, I still feel lost. I don't yet feel like I have made the transition from a scared, helpless girl to a confident thriving woman and I wonder what that transition is going to look like when it actually happens. Will it be slow or will I just wake up one day and be ... 'that woman'? Is it already happening? Did I miss it? What if it never happens? O boy...

Actually I think I can safely say that it IS happening, but it seems so painstakingly slow. I am learning how to be a woman in this life and to leave the girl behind. That is not to say that I want to lose my inner child, but I do want to become a responsible, sophisticated, respectable woman. I want to accomplish a successful life and honestly that scares me to death. How can I... this small, insignificant, scared to death little girl possibly do anything the 'big grown-ups' do? And do it right? But I can, and I will. I will have to learn just like everybody else in this world how to become the person I was meant to be.

But the suspense is killing me and it is so hard to be patient for my timeline to unfold just the way it is meant to. In it's own time frame...not mine. If you know me... you can probably understand the frustration. I am not a patient person and have a hard time not getting what I want. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't say I am greedy or overly spoiled...just a dreamer who wants what she wants and doesn't know how to be lost very well.... Who feels like she is meant for something specific and doesn't want to wait to start living that journey.

But I suppose, as it must... the wait continues. Meanwhile, I will continue to explore my existence.

KitKat

Just another beautiful quote:

"You cannot live for prolonged periods of time within the polarity of being true to yourself and needing the approval of others. At some point you will realize that you are doing harm to yourself by being what you think you should be so that someone approves of you.... Compromising who you are to gain the approval of another is a very precise example of giving away a piece of your spirit."

From Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss

THANKS FOR THE FUCK U AMERICA!!!

Ok, so I am in the middle of trying to get insurance for myself. I have been dropped from my parents plan because I am no longer in school. Well, this is turning into a really big struggle. I have to say that I am really hating America right now!!! And it's FUCKING INSANENESS!!!.

So, my mother's insurance offered me Cobra. But the Cobra is way way too expensive. It is going to be nearly 600 DOLLARS every month. That is like more than a fucking apartment costs. If I had to drop out of school because I couldn't handle the stress while I am sick and the treatment I am going through wares me out too much for school... what makes you think that I am able to tolerate a job that I would be able to make near that amount? What the Fuck. That is like dangling an apple in front of a starving child and saying fuck u and taking a bite because they can't afford it.

SERIOUSLY... THIS IS THE GLORIOUS HOME WE LIVE IN? FUCK THAT!!

So anyways, no place else will give me insurance because the meds I am on cost way too much. So I have to go with this plan and drive myself into debt all the way to freakin China just to get healthy again. Yea, thanks America... your so fucking generous! And then... whats going to happen... I get to have a bad credit future where I can just be turned down for all of the things that an adult needs in their life.. like a car... a home... YA KNOW THE IMPORTANT THINGS. So what's going to happen?

In the future I might have to claim bankrupcy or go on welfare... or who knows... and then guess what... the government is stuck with hundreds more dollars than what originally would have been... and I get to be looked down at because of the indebted situation 'I GOT MYSELF INTO' and for needing government assistance.

OH YEA... AMERICA THE GREAT!!!

In the words of a great friend.... "pfft"

A throughly pissed off kitty, KitKat

My life in fleeting thoughts:

Warning: Randomness will happen!

So, for my first post I think I will just introduce myself. I am quirky and moody. Having said that, I love things that are different and that you won't see everyday. I love to write, hence my spur to start a blog. I am not entirely sure what I will all include, but I can guarantee that it will be fun... for me anyways.

Well, first of all, if there is something you want to know... just ask. Having said that isn't it funny how people will still ask questions about you to others? No worries, I do it too. As human beings, we are funny like that! Anyways, there is rarely something that I won't share.

But just for the hell of it... here is a little about me. I don't mind swearing... it is an effective way to portray feelings... I believe in my God, not yours... I would rather be with others than be alone... I can be lazy and crazy or active and passive... I don't know my purpose on this earth, but I will find it... I love risk and thrills, but I do tend to take it too far... I go crazy for things that are different... Sex, food and cats are good... Dishes, Missy's and boring cereal are bad... awkward moments are fun... and reality ISN'T ideal!

Also, I just got a new puppy! Her name is Ava and she is a German Shepherd! She is too cute... except for when she is biting my toes!

O... and here she comes!!

Love, KitKat