My little orphaned inner child

So the first archetype I want to explore is my orphaned inner child. This is an archetype that we all have, just different versions (wounded, eternal, nature, orphan, etc). I want to discover what my kiddo looks like and how she still plays a part in my life today.

When I look at my inner child, I would have to say that I fit into the orphaned and wounded categories. I hate to push myself into fitting a certain type of box ideal, but it does make since to me. Most of us do not leave childhood with out our scars and wounds. We just hope that they aren't oozing all over when we finally transition into adult hood.

We all create our own habits and safe havens when we are younger to avoid any kind of uncomfortable situations. It is how these habits are nurtured or ignored as to the way we learn how to behave and interpret life.

As a child growing up, I was often in the victim state of mind and that was usually tolerated with in my family... that became my status so to speak. I had a lot of struggles with anxiety and accepting life the way it was when I was younger, which consequently demanded a lot of attention from those around me. If I did not recieve the attention and affirmation that I so readily sought, I would feel unimportant and unloved. I would feel abandoned. I was wounded in the overall sense that... 'there is something wrong with me'... or the 'I am not good enough.' This was the constant thinking I was rooted in.

It is easy to pinpoint a definite cause of this orphaned feeling. I moved away from my father at 10 years old and never felt like he wanted a connection between our lives. This caused me to seek the attention from those currently around me to feel that emptiness that he left inside of me.

The shadow side of this archetype allows me to forget that I am now an adult and can no longer give into my childish, selfish needs. Not to say that still embracing your inner child isn't good. Of course, it is. We all need to remember how lightly we used to take life and how we wouldn't put conditions on everything. And how wonderful it feels to give hugs and receive them back or to have someone there to kiss your boo-boo to make it all better. But, with the joys of a childish mind, comes the unhealthy habits of not taking care of ourselves, and wanting more from others than should rightly be given... such as attention in my case.

Because I grew up expecting this attention that would calm me or convince me that I am of importance, I still have a bad habit to search for it, especially around parental figures and of course my own mother and grandparents. I am always looking for someone to tell me what to do, so that I don't have to decide and take the responsibility of a possible bad decision. It takes the blame off of me.

Strengths of this archetype:
enthusiasm of a child
understanding of a need for love
facilitates in the need to learn forgiveness
able to recognize others inner children

Weaknesses of this archetype:
demanding attention where it should not be given
unhealthy ideal of life
indecision
self-concerned

A look inside

Ok, so recently I have been reading this book... Sacred Contracts. First of all let me just say it is a wonderful, insightful book into a person's purpose for this lifetime. As a part of Caroline Myss's theory, we all have twelve different archetypes that make up who we are. Four of these we all have the same: Child, Victim, Prostitute, and Saboteur. Out of the numerous other archetype's to choose from, eight other types make up our personalities and help steer us towards our life purpose.

To discover more about my archetypes, and consequently my personality, it is suggested to do an interview with each of the twelve that you think you identify most with. These are traits that make you who you are. We all portray different archetypes at different times (Myss talks about over 70), but these are the ones that make you... you. (It is also suggested to add two or three more on the end that you are unsure whether it describes you, just to make sure you cover all of the archetypes that may make up your personality.)

So, Besides the four that make up every human being... these are the archetypes that I feel describe me and make up who I am. In the next few blog enteries, I plan on exploring each one more so. (The last three are my extra archetypes that I think need to be further explored before they can be ruled out.)

Child -wounded and eternal, Prostitute, Victim, Saboteur, Addict, Beggar, Femme Fatale, Networker, Rebel, Seeker, Student, Vampire... Damsel, Dilettante, Hedonist

Now, just to be clear... just because some of these may sound bad or bring up a certain image in your head does not mean that that is the exact discription of who you are. More likely, it means that those are some of the basic qualities that contribute to your personality.

Please enjoy my search into myself and hopefully it inspires you to do the same.

Here is Caroline Myss's website if you would like to learn more:
http://www.myss.com

KitKat

So, it seems as the days go on... I am getting more and more frustrated with myself and life. The Hepatitis C treatment that I am going through is intense and as it progresses it gets harder on the body. Lately, I seem to be much weaker and recovery time is taking so much longer. After I do my weekly injection, instead of just needing one night of recovery now I need TWO days!! I get really bummed about this sometimes because I am not a stagnant person. I like to be involved and try new things and get things done. And I get so frustrated when I don't have the energy to do any of the things I want.

So I have tried to find things that will keep me occupied... things I can learn or do that don't involve energy. Reading is one of them... but I have such a hard time concentrating sometimes. My savior of a boyfriend keeps me positive for the most part but sometimes it just gets to be so much. I guess if I looked at it like being frustrated and unhappy for one or two hours out of the day isn't bad, but its the days where I get really down. Where a mere hour feels as if it is an eternity and like it will never end. And yet, I don't want it to end... I like life. I just want to feel useful, productive. Like I am accomplishing SOMETHING!

*sigh*

But I guess I am, aren't I... I'm getting healthy again... What more of a productive thing is there?
I can do this.

A tired KitKat

I've been really contemplating lately what I want my life to look like and what exactly I want to see, do, accomplish, etc. Knowing that this is something that every single person must face, and sometimes many times over, I still feel lost. I don't yet feel like I have made the transition from a scared, helpless girl to a confident thriving woman and I wonder what that transition is going to look like when it actually happens. Will it be slow or will I just wake up one day and be ... 'that woman'? Is it already happening? Did I miss it? What if it never happens? O boy...

Actually I think I can safely say that it IS happening, but it seems so painstakingly slow. I am learning how to be a woman in this life and to leave the girl behind. That is not to say that I want to lose my inner child, but I do want to become a responsible, sophisticated, respectable woman. I want to accomplish a successful life and honestly that scares me to death. How can I... this small, insignificant, scared to death little girl possibly do anything the 'big grown-ups' do? And do it right? But I can, and I will. I will have to learn just like everybody else in this world how to become the person I was meant to be.

But the suspense is killing me and it is so hard to be patient for my timeline to unfold just the way it is meant to. In it's own time frame...not mine. If you know me... you can probably understand the frustration. I am not a patient person and have a hard time not getting what I want. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't say I am greedy or overly spoiled...just a dreamer who wants what she wants and doesn't know how to be lost very well.... Who feels like she is meant for something specific and doesn't want to wait to start living that journey.

But I suppose, as it must... the wait continues. Meanwhile, I will continue to explore my existence.

KitKat

Just another beautiful quote:

"You cannot live for prolonged periods of time within the polarity of being true to yourself and needing the approval of others. At some point you will realize that you are doing harm to yourself by being what you think you should be so that someone approves of you.... Compromising who you are to gain the approval of another is a very precise example of giving away a piece of your spirit."

From Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss

THANKS FOR THE FUCK U AMERICA!!!

Ok, so I am in the middle of trying to get insurance for myself. I have been dropped from my parents plan because I am no longer in school. Well, this is turning into a really big struggle. I have to say that I am really hating America right now!!! And it's FUCKING INSANENESS!!!.

So, my mother's insurance offered me Cobra. But the Cobra is way way too expensive. It is going to be nearly 600 DOLLARS every month. That is like more than a fucking apartment costs. If I had to drop out of school because I couldn't handle the stress while I am sick and the treatment I am going through wares me out too much for school... what makes you think that I am able to tolerate a job that I would be able to make near that amount? What the Fuck. That is like dangling an apple in front of a starving child and saying fuck u and taking a bite because they can't afford it.

SERIOUSLY... THIS IS THE GLORIOUS HOME WE LIVE IN? FUCK THAT!!

So anyways, no place else will give me insurance because the meds I am on cost way too much. So I have to go with this plan and drive myself into debt all the way to freakin China just to get healthy again. Yea, thanks America... your so fucking generous! And then... whats going to happen... I get to have a bad credit future where I can just be turned down for all of the things that an adult needs in their life.. like a car... a home... YA KNOW THE IMPORTANT THINGS. So what's going to happen?

In the future I might have to claim bankrupcy or go on welfare... or who knows... and then guess what... the government is stuck with hundreds more dollars than what originally would have been... and I get to be looked down at because of the indebted situation 'I GOT MYSELF INTO' and for needing government assistance.

OH YEA... AMERICA THE GREAT!!!

In the words of a great friend.... "pfft"

A throughly pissed off kitty, KitKat

My life in fleeting thoughts:

Warning: Randomness will happen!

So, for my first post I think I will just introduce myself. I am quirky and moody. Having said that, I love things that are different and that you won't see everyday. I love to write, hence my spur to start a blog. I am not entirely sure what I will all include, but I can guarantee that it will be fun... for me anyways.

Well, first of all, if there is something you want to know... just ask. Having said that isn't it funny how people will still ask questions about you to others? No worries, I do it too. As human beings, we are funny like that! Anyways, there is rarely something that I won't share.

But just for the hell of it... here is a little about me. I don't mind swearing... it is an effective way to portray feelings... I believe in my God, not yours... I would rather be with others than be alone... I can be lazy and crazy or active and passive... I don't know my purpose on this earth, but I will find it... I love risk and thrills, but I do tend to take it too far... I go crazy for things that are different... Sex, food and cats are good... Dishes, Missy's and boring cereal are bad... awkward moments are fun... and reality ISN'T ideal!

Also, I just got a new puppy! Her name is Ava and she is a German Shepherd! She is too cute... except for when she is biting my toes!

O... and here she comes!!

Love, KitKat